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~ 06 / 30 / 2025 ~
monday, jun 30︎
♪ listening to :: coffee's for closers - fall out boy
Ah, I wanna go back to bed... I had a somewhat grim weekend, though for no real tangible reason other than just getting a little too lost in my own thoughts. Lately it feels like all my little insecurities keep getting directly reaffirmed.
I'm pretty sensitive about the way I'm perceived in the minds of others, and I really dislike how often I'm viewed as someone who's just weird and funny and frivolous all the time. The comic relief, so to speak... It brings back bad memories. Yet, at the same time, I've always worried that I don't have much else going for me when I'm not being entertaining — and if I don't fulfill that role, I'm afraid people will lose interest with me. ...Boy, when I put it into words like that, I wonder why I've gotten so attached to THAT type of character recently... haha
It's fine — I know that's not true, probably. I just needed to get it out of my head somewhere. I'll adjust accordingly. Like I said before, I'm going to start redesigning this site tonight; I have a pretty clear idea of what I want it to look like, and I think doing so will make me feel a bit better.
Some cool weather would be nice, too.
~ 06 / 16 / 2025 ~
monday, jun 16︎
♪ listening to :: jump - simple plan
Oops, I haven't written here in a while... I lost track of time. Not in a bad way, it's just that this month has gone by very quickly already.
I'm trying to make the most of my summer, and do fun things just for the hell of it. I bought a corkboard to put above my desk (which was previously just a blank wall behind my computer), and filled it with random printed-out pictures that I plan to swap out every now and then. I think it makes my tiny, dark bedroom feel a little more lived-in.
I haven't finished the fic I mentioned last time. Got distracted by the release of Deltarune. I still plan to finish it, as it's pretty close to completion now, but that creative energy has been absorbed by other interests these past few weeks. As much as I still like them, now that the fixation has died down a bit, I wonder if I should change a few of these site banner images... haha
Yesterday, I had strawberry bubble tea, just to match the pink ribbon in my hair.
~ 05 / 29 / 2025 ~
thursday, may 29︎
♪ listening to :: perfect - marianas trench
Feeling a little better, though not by much. There are some lingering feelings still bugging me, but it's one of those things I just need to be alone for. I figure it will pass eventually.
Lately I keep wondering if it's possible to make myself look older. I'm used to being told that I look young, but recently I've been really self-conscious about it. On the last day of class I told my professor that I was 22, and it seemed like she almost didn't believe me... it's embarrassing. All I want is to be taken seriously.
Working on one of my fics now. I finally got a little spark of motivation back, and I've been keeping a light novel (Makoto Inoue's The Abducted Alchemist) on my desk to study the dialogue. But I'm a bit shy about it, so it'll probably be uploaded here before I post it elsewhere... if I post it elsewhere... hmm.
I plan to just sit in my room and focus on writing tonight.
~ 05 / 25 / 2025 ~
sunday, may 25︎
♪ listening to :: i can't ever get enough of you - darren hayes
Been in a weird mood these past few days, one that hasn't shown its face in a long time.
I guess it's just a combination of a lot of things — crashing from burnout, learning something that put a large chunk of my life in a new perspective, missing someone long gone from my past — it's gotten me back in this old, detached, reflective mindset.
I don't really feel connected to myself, or to anyone. I don't want to talk. I just want to sit alone under the moon and wait for something magical to happen. Maybe I'll be whisked away to the world I've always dreamed of, full of love and warmth.
I think the word I'm looking for is "lonely".
~ 05 / 23 / 2025 ~
friday, may 23︎
♪ listening to :: the ghost of you - my chemical romance
Finally, FINALLY, I am done with school for the rest of the summer. And I'm still a straight-A student... not to brag or anything (well, maybe a little). I'm giving myself the rest of this weekend to just decompress before I get back to doing anything productive.
Right now I'm playing Tomodachi Life and Miitopia, like I do every year around this time. I'm so excited for Living the Dream that I had a dream about playing it. I hope it's good. I hope I don't someday regret saying that.
I keep thinking about bleaching my hair blonde again, like I had throughout middle and high school... it's been long enough, I think I could rock it now.
Well, back to sleep. snzz
~ 05 / 14 / 2025 ~
wednesday, may 14︎
♪ listening to :: masterpiece theatre iii - marianas trench
I skipped my morning class and stayed home today. I've long finished all of my remaining assignments for it, so I don't really feel like sitting around doing nothing in the classroom for two hours... And it's raining pretty hard, so I'd be stuck inside the school building all day with no phone data. No thanks.
Meanwhile, I have one of my final "exams" later today, for my drawing class. I'm kinda dreading it, so I figured it'd be a better idea to conserve my energy beforehand.
Dunno what I'm gonna do all summer. I hope to finish a lot of fics, make a lot of art and AMVs, watch a lot of TV and play a lot of video games. We'll see which one of those ends up coming true. Surely I can accomplish at least one of those things?
I can almost taste freedom now...
~ 05 / 10 / 2025 ~
saturday, may 10︎
♪ listening to :: the last something that meant anything - mayday parade
This is my first diary entry here. These will probably just be short little excerpts of my day or week — stuff that's either too personal or not notable enough to be put on my tumblr or bulbablog.
I wish I had something better to start things off with, but actually I'm really not in a great mood. I have my final English paper due on Monday, and while it's not going to be difficult, I just can't will myself to get started on it at all. The whole reason I'm here is because I started working on my site instead of my damn essay...
I was thinking recently that I should cut my hair again, even though I really want it much longer. Then the other day, I ran into someone at college whom I only vaguely knew from last semester, who said to me "ah, your hair grew out! Makes you look like a total badass, though". Not gonna cut my hair anymore.
Seasonal depression sucks. I always forget how bad it can get until it comes to hit me over the head again. I just need to get through the next two weeks so I can at least be free of school.
